This is it! The big one before thirty. The infamous twenty five. Every year, when I sit down to do this, hours before the clock strikes zero hour on my birthday -I usually think about the year before. I wonder if I’m doing any better than last time, and honestly speaking, this has become a ritual that just…. sticks. (Also, It lets me pretend that I’m a blogger.)
Twenty Five. Shit.
Technically, this is the last day of my life when I can proclaim to be a young twenty-something guy/kid in his early twenties. This moment onwards, adulthood discontinues being a distant fetish and transcends into sad reality. Cometh the time, when grey hair will not be a matter of surprise, but patient discovery. But. Having remained an optimist for a better part of my life, I think I might just be a tad too paranoid about all of this. So – let’s do a relative checklist of the things that I’ve really worked on, the things that have improved, the problems that I’ve ‘vanquished’. Let’s get down to business and figure out the pros and cons of my premature aging phobia.
Birthday 2014 vs Birthday 2015. Bring it on!
One – I was hopelessly lovelorn last year, trying to fight writer’s block and weight management issues at the same time. I guess I’m still doing that on so many levels. And I’m yet to see her again. On the plus side, I’ve signed up for NaNoWriMo 2015, which hides an extremely subtle effort of trying to be young again. I’m pinning my hopes on getting into the whole 2012 wacky-kid mindset, maybe that’ll work.
Two – Upgraded my writing hardware, but the results are yet to appear. Perpetually frustrated about that. Every day that I don’t write feels like the burden of a lifetime, but the edge of the rainbow is just too slippery to hold on to.
Three – Working at a much cooler office now, so that’s a one-up (I guess).
Four – I was hospitalized about four times this year, the last instance being near fatal, but my oddly designed body seemed to pull through.
Five – I think I have realized more things that make me a bad person, than things to lift my spirits. For instance, I’m gradually getting closer to the realization that I’m probably not the saint/prodigal son/savior of mankind that I once thought myself to be. I’m just as selfish as the crowd that I’ve despised all my life, maybe in different ways but selfish nevertheless. I have some excellent books, movies and guest lectures to thank for that realization. I’m not sure if that gets birthday 2015 a hit or a miss, but I feel weirdly ‘light’ knowing the other side of me. What’s better – an idealist who lives in ignorance of emotions around him, or a slightly bent brat who has the privilege of being loved by wonderful people? I’d do my life all over again the same way in a heartbeat, thanks to the people out there who care for me. Because even as I rant and rant and rant about how miserable my life is and how this early mid life crisis syndrome stuff sucks balls, fact remains that there have always been people to catch me and push me back up and assure me that all is not lost. Yet.
So, birthday or no birthday, Thank you.
And then there’s always John Green with the best collection of inspirational words in any.video.he.makes. That singularly is an anti depressant. And I have my parents. And I have my friends. And I have MSR (Yech!) 🙂 What more does a 25 year old guy need, anyway?
Bring it on, 2016. I’m going to rock the shit out of you.
Shomprakash Sinha Roy