Self consciousness is something that has disturbed my tranquility in magnificient volumes over the last twenty years of my life. A pitstop when i would turn 21, is finally around the corner. It’s one of those “Last Moments” again when i believe it’s time to review some of the promises i made to myself, and glow in the beauty of those that i’ve managed to keep. Why is it, that i dont see the light that should shine all around me, technically setting the world around me, ablaze?
Maybe the answer lies in my failures, and my inability to keep up with my targets. If some skeptics are to be believed, the answer probably lies with my adversaries, plotting against my growth. But that’s not the story, is it? An eccentric man has nothing but one fact to fear- That mortality is a phenomenon true unless proven otherwise. I’m human and howmuchsoever i try to deny it, i will never be able to overcome that. What i can do, obviously, is to keep honing whatever it is in me, that keeps me from stumbling and falling and giving up. I was inspired recently by the mock email id used by a critic on this blog. It was mentioned as : email@example.com….. And i do have an answer to that.
I really won’t give up. It’s not that i don’t have that temptation once in a while, to accept what i have in life as a permanent gift from god and be done with it, i do get the familiar desire to be content, but i can’t. And it’s not as if I’m chasing something just for the heck of it. I’m not trying to follow a succesful man, and I’m not trying to make a lot of money without putting any work into it. And of course, Definitely, I’m not trying to prove myself better than people i don’t really know. But here’s one thing that i’m one hundered percent guilty of doing. I underestimate fate on a daily basis.
My cousin sister came to this part of the country yesterday. She will begin her journey towards a career in Information Technology. And i was there, trying to help out in the regular chores of admission, running hither and thither with forms and stuff, when my father called up and told me that my mother was in the hospital. She dropped a pot of boiling water on her lap by accident, and now she’s managed to cover herself with burns. She won’t be out of the hospital for a week or two. I felt all the regular emotions that a son would feel in the scenario- I felt like screaming- I felt like questioning everybody that i feel was responsible for this. I’ve spoken to her scarcely in the last few weeks, and that seems to have left an impression of her. Maybe i havent done a good job of being a good son to her, but the things she has told me over the phone, has led me to believe that part of her fantasies my actually be true, rather than the babblings of a disturbed person. She lives in perpetual fear of something, or somebody, that is trying to harm me. She tells me stories of people who accuse me of felony, who have held her by the neck and warned her that i may be in danger. I dont know if that trues, and my father, the strongest man on earth and myself, would do well to dismiss this as gibberish. But if all that she’s told us were to be true- I want to tell that anonymous force, that I still dont care. I know what i’m about. I know what i can do. I know what i will do. Because even if i dont glow in the light that’s supposed to surround me, i still know how to light a candle. Even if my mom gets hurt while doing kitchen chores, she still knows that she needs to tell me that it’s going to be okay. My father knows that he needs to tell me that he’ll manage. And i know that i’ll console the people i can. I know that people will be there for me- people who know me, people who will learn to love me, people who in turn will grow to expect love from me.
I know, in the end, i wont be sitting on this chair, trying to figure who or what is trying to hold me down. I know i wont care.